Busey Stands Tall at Oscar Time

You've caught me in quite a quandary this week: don't know whether to finally unleash the long overdue Kelp Kristmas '07 Wrap-up or go right to this year's Oscar Prognostications. Some would say, well, sometimes it's good to get your Oscar predictions in not too long after the winners have been announced -that's certainly the traditional way of looking at it. But here at the Kodder, we believe that haste makes waste. When you “predict” most of the award winners days in advance, you're relying on chance and witchcraft; doesn't it make sense that you've got a way better chance of making 100% accurate predictions in hindsight, once something has already happened? Of course it does!

2007 was actually a pretty good year for movies and all the people who won this year were basically the ones that should've won, and were rightfully honored. Nothing went wrong -no one swore or fell over, there was scarcely a whiff of politics, the show went off like clockwork -even the fashions seemed relatively understated. The capable and witty Jon Stewart, of the daily show, was adequate. Many deserving folk were given overdue recognition. It was SO BORING!

The ONLY GOOD MOMENT of the ENTIRE ORDEAL was provided by the legendary Gary Busey, during the Red Carpet segment preceding the Oscars capturing the arrival of the various luminaries. As “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest interviewed Jennifer Garner, you could see that they were both reacting nervously to an unspecified disturbance happening off-camera; then Busey lumbers in, looking very much like he was on his way to the can and had just been thrown off a bit by the crowd, and plants a big kiss on Laura Linney, who had been standing at the edge of the fracas, adding how much he has enjoyed her work. He proffers a boisterous but incidental hello to interviewer Seacrest, who tries to deflect him by introducing him to Jennifer Garner, who obviously is shaken and mentally patting the intruder down for weapons.

Busey at first doesn't seem to know which member of the crowd Seacrest has sacrificed to him; when Seacrest repeats, “Jennifer Garner”, he grunts, “What?”, and then grabs her quickly for a perfunctory hug and a kiss on the neck -he obviously has no idea who she is, and his priority is still finding the john. Neither interviewer nor interviewee seems to have any idea who he is, either, but that's nothing: Busey not only doesn't know who they are, he also hasn't noticed that they're all on TV, trying to do an interview. Then he lunges away, as mysteriously as he came. Garner is in shock; Linney tactfully leads her away. Gary Busey's job is done here -god bless and keep you in your good work, Gary (we may have found our host for '09!)

Well, I'm obviously not going to have time for the Kristmas Roundup again, so we'll just have to postpone that until next time. Couple of random comments before we go:

Finally (and inadvertently, of course) happened to catch a bit of one of the debates between Hilary and Barack, and to me it felt more like Bill Clinton vs. Jimmy Stewart. Hilary has the Bill thing down -that smoothness, the effortless engagement, an unstoppable stream of instant, intelligent, constructive unflappableness -you'll never catch this one snoozin'. Barack is alternately stirringly idealistic and a tad ungainly; also smart, constructive, and energetic. Even McCain seems reasonable, compared to what we've been through lately. In fact, I can't remember a time when all of the candidates across the board were this much of an upgrade. This is gonna be great! Vote for anybody -you can't lose!

Which reminds me - to K. Lyle of Harwich: “Helpy” is not a proper name for a snake. Whether stuffed, imaginary, or normal, no one should be called “Helpy the Snake.” Even if he really is helpful, I can't believe that any self-respecting snake would ever want to be named “Helpy”, let alone the whole thing, “Helpy the Snake.” It is my understanding that snakes generally prefer names like “Lyle”, “Sid”. and “Lawrence” (though rarely Larry.) (Still, even Larry is a better name for a snake than “Helpy.”)

“Helpy” just does not work, snake-wise. Next time you need to name a snake, we hope you'll consult someone qualified to deal with such matters, because this is the kind of situation where youthful high spirits will only get you into trouble.

Until next time, keep your eyes open for a pop band called Vampire Weekend, who do a song called “Walcott” (“gotta get out of Cape Cod, outta Cape Cod tonight” -actually, a couple of the members, were brought up around here, I heard); the web-only TV show, “Penelope, Princess of Animals” starring Kristen Schaal, who played the groupie Mel in the ever supple Mrs. Kelp's favorite TV show, “Flight of the Conchords”; and the outtake albums from the vaults of Motown (you won't believe the hits they left in the can, though you sort of have to get in and root around to find the good ones -it's a great job for iTunes and their ilk, as 30 seconds is usually all the time you need to figure out whether it's a hit or a miss, and the hits are as good as it gets.)

Remember, no matter how bad it gets, spring is coming... come on, we can make it...

(Prelude to) the Kelp Kristmas Round-Up for '07!

Do you think it's tacky to write your Christmas kolumn after Christmas? Is it like wearing white pants after Labor Day?

Well, so what if it is? This has always been an unflinching, hard hitting kolumn where talk is cheap and nothing is taboo, and the Man can't stop me from writing about Christmas any gosh darn hell the phooey time I want to, because I'm an American, and I'm free to do what I gotta do and be a man and all stuff like that, yay.

The nice thing to think about this is that I love everyone so much that I'm willing to think about Christmas even way after it has happened, during a time when no one is and no one has to. No one should have to think about Christmas in January, but I am, because I love you, or something along those lines. Can't we all be friends and have had the Merriest Christmas in the Whole Wide World? Of course we did -and can!

That's one way to look at it (an illiterate way, but still, a way.)

And then the other way is... well, never mind the other way, just do the first one and none of your lip.

I'd like to dedicate this, my Kelp Kristmas Round-up of '07, to all the little people everywhere who still believe(d) in Christmas, and even the regular-size people who try so hard to be small but aren't, at this most sacred time of year.

Man, I really should've done this a couple of weeks ago.

Look, right now while we're still at a compleat standstill, momentum-wise, I'd like to mention that there is a bill coming up this Saturday at O'Shea's in West Dennis (at 348 Main Street / Rt. 28; 508-398-8887) that is simply adorable and I mean A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E, Adorable, that includes the legendary and hilarious older person Philo “Rockwell” King (AKA Rock King) vs. the also hilarious and ever-appealing Kami Lyle in an epic battle of the sexes. The history of the earth will be blithely portrayed in their mighty rolling and grunting would certainly be the wrong sentence to have after that last one; let's try another approach, quickly!

Rock truly is a local legend, a classic suit-and-tie comic, sophisticated but with a lovely crude streak that he lords over the (semi-) innocents, and he's been doing this a long time (and I mean a lo-o-ong time -this last season at his beloved Sand Bar in West Dennis was his 48^th!) His sophistication is almost Catskillian in its epic range. Not many people do this any more and he does it really, really well. As you might expect, or even hope, there is an occasional reference to his wife, Cobra. And he'll probably also do a couple of songs, but you should go anyway.

If Kami Lyle majors in writing and singing (and her writing and singing is quite fine indeed), her minor is definitely something way sillier. Kami has mastered the art of personality, and the raps between her songs -usually unrehearsed ramblings about whatever is going on in Kamiland that day -are themselves well worth the price of admission. On occasion I've seen her improvise a jazz song read out of a catalog or a magazine picked at random. She's youthful, cute, and vivacious, and she's an enormous Rockwell King fan and bound to provide memorable counterpoint, not to mention trumpet.

This is a perfect beauty and the beast set up -but wait! That's not all! You also get Sean Brennan and Johnny O'Sullivan, and a loverly dinner, if you pay $30 (the non-dinner version goes for $15, which is a savings, also, of $15, if I'm not very much mistaken.) I'd go to this show even if I was dead -well, as long as I had $15, I would. And I'd do my level best to get there at 7:30, which is when it starts.

Ok, now I'm too excited to write the Christmas kolumn. Forget it! It's off. Maybe next week. Sorry. You guys must be totally dying for some shopping tips.

One thing before I go, though: Tim Dickey and Friends with Julie Wanamaker will be appearing at the Snow Library in Orleans on Saturday, February 2^nd at 4pm. I know that's still a few weeks away, but that way you can make reservations now, unless it's one of those weird libraries that doesn't take reservations, which of course I wouldn't know, but this too could be a very nourishing program, despite the fact that some of the time, they will be playing bluegrass.

You're just going to have to sort it out yourselves.