A musician friend of mine once told me that the thing that depressed him most about being a songwriter was the knowledge that the more prolific you are and the more prodigious and heralded your output, the greater the likelihood was that someone would eventually arrange one of your songs to include a flute solo. To him, the flute is the worst instrument ever, but can any musical instrument be truly evil on its own? Of course not -unless it's a banjo. Banjos are way worse than flutes, although flutes are indeed extremely heinous. Actually, flutes might be even worse. It's so hard to pick!
Flutes, of course, are willow-y and gentle, coquettish, bewitching; and should all be destroyed. Of all the musical instruments, the flute is the least butch, yet it is also the instrument most likely to be used to exterminate rats. Apparently, some flautists are horned, which again makes me a little wary about the whole operation.
Banjos on the other hand are loud, cockeyed, and belligerent, in the manner of a guest who tells bad jokes and will not leave. They were first discovered about twelve years ago on the same day as sex with barnyard animals, which might or might not be a coincidence. Orchestras very rarely have banjos, because even musicians have to draw the line somewhere.
Flutes are feminine, banjos are masculine; as always, either gender can wear you out completely in about ten minutes. But still, in the hands of a brilliant virtuoso, a flute becomes... well, no, it doesn't; banjo doesn't either, they both get, like 5% better, which is still pretty intolerable. And this isn't just my opinion, either -it's just plain true.
So which is worse, flute or banjo? I guess we'll never know for sure, which only makes it that much harder to figure out which one to cast into the ocean first. I could go on, but what's the use?
It's like the weather we had in June -awful. The End.
Before we go, I'd like to mention some totally worthwhile things I might've been writing about this week in greater detail, if flutes and banjos didn't exist:
NEW CDs: “Bitte Orca” by the Dirty Projectors -bracing, challenging, never dull; “boatclub” by boatclub -debut CD from Oakland, CA band that includes ex-Cape Codder Tom Carns also challenges, but sounds great and rocks in a free-spirited and open-hearted yet occasionally cynical manner; and “Love Letter To Andromeda” and “Holy Tweet” by Terry Adams -the former being an adventurous, mind-blowing solo recording on prepared piano and celeste, while the latter is an unexpectedly consistent blast of rootsy pop from NRBQ's resident genius with a new band that makes a respectable stab at filling the gap they left.
BANDS THAT DELIVERED: Dumpstaphunk at the Wellfleet Beachcomber -for my money, their album doesn't really do the job, but these Neville chillen were wonderful live, especially Ian Neville, who showed why rhythm guitar can still matter; and Samite at the Payomet Arts Center, who was gentle and elegant but still got the hippies up on their feet last Sunday armed with nothing but a kalimba.
GOOD MOVIES TO RENT: “Quid Pro Quo” and “Two Lovers.”
ON THE OTHER HAND, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT KEEPS RAINING, STAY WELL CLEAR OF: “Gran Torino” and “He's Not That Into You.”
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Kelp on Grace
I have some strange rules about cowboy hats, rules that no one should ever hear, that I'd like to share with you now. The first and most important rule is that while I find I can accept cowboy hats in fiction or movies, I find them completely incongruous in real life, and for some reason I'm almost never happy to see one there. I feel the same way about buccaneer hats, and Indian feathers, for that matter: they just don't blend.
It's almost too bad, because cowboy hats are a trip to wear. For one thing, I think they actually make you look taller, but also, more like a pirate. Plus, you're actually 50% more likely to have a mustache if you're wearing a cowboy hat (in fact, as soon as you put a cowboy hat on, you can actually feel one starting to grow! Try it -I swear to god!)
I have a friend who wears a cowboy hat -someone I know personally -and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that. He seems to be normal otherwise, and, y'know, kind of a nice guy, who doesn't really seem that depraved, other than the hat.
On the other hand, he has chosen New York City as a great place to play country music, so of course all kinds of warning signals go off there, too. And apparently about half of his songs are about drinking, and that does represent a serious commitment of some sort. The four albums Jack put out after his relatively earnest debut, "Introducing The Sounds Of Jack Grace", were called "Stayin' Out All Night", "I Like It Wrong", "The Martini Cowboy", and (now, his soon-to-be-released) "Drinking Songs For Lovers." One does detect a certain thrust, and Jack seems to be a very personable sort of fellow, thankfully less drunk than his set list would lead you to believe.
Problem is, long ago, I promised Jack I would never listen to his music, if he would reciprocate and never read my column. And I believe he's kept up his end of the deal (I mean, say what you will about Le Codder, it's nothing if not avoidable), but I find myself curious about the music. I mean, there's some great titles on here: "If You're Gonna Raise A Drunk", "When The Morning Margaritas Hit You Right" " (which has a great line about "waking up at the crack of ice"), and my favorite, "The Worst Truck Driver In The World"... the guy can definitely write a lyric.
Hell with it, he sent me the damn thing, I'm going to listen to it.
NO! That's just the devil talkin'! YES! YES! I'm a listenin'! I'm a' listenin'!!
This starts out kind of in Johnny Cash territory... lots of cool songs about drinking, and you know? I haven't been drinking enough lately anyway, I believe I'll take the hint, try to get in the spirit of things...
Sure enough- this sounds better! Banjo on track five, and it's not really bothering me... yup, the booze is working. Just heard "I Drank Too Much Again", and then "Drinking & Gambling", wait, this isn't killing me... more booze... it's FINE! I don't know what I was being so uptight about!
Then you get "The Worst Truck Driver", which is definitely my fave; and "Ugly" is interesting, and "It Was a Really Bad Year"... it's almost like salsha! damn, this is OK. Yeeaaahhhhhh! Capitol O-k, phew i'm getting slakkurrd. This a really good ban...
Another thing I like about Jack is, he's got another band that does all bastardized country versions of (whooooooaaaaa) Van Halen songs called (mmmmmm...) Van Hayride. Now, lots of people might get a idea like that, but Jack actually did it. It's like wearing a cowboy hat on earth!
The Jack Grace Band appears at Joe's Bar and Grill on Main St. in Orleans this Friday, April 10th, and at the Squealing Pig in Provincetown thish Shaturday, Apl 11nch.
It's almost too bad, because cowboy hats are a trip to wear. For one thing, I think they actually make you look taller, but also, more like a pirate. Plus, you're actually 50% more likely to have a mustache if you're wearing a cowboy hat (in fact, as soon as you put a cowboy hat on, you can actually feel one starting to grow! Try it -I swear to god!)
I have a friend who wears a cowboy hat -someone I know personally -and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that. He seems to be normal otherwise, and, y'know, kind of a nice guy, who doesn't really seem that depraved, other than the hat.
On the other hand, he has chosen New York City as a great place to play country music, so of course all kinds of warning signals go off there, too. And apparently about half of his songs are about drinking, and that does represent a serious commitment of some sort. The four albums Jack put out after his relatively earnest debut, "Introducing The Sounds Of Jack Grace", were called "Stayin' Out All Night", "I Like It Wrong", "The Martini Cowboy", and (now, his soon-to-be-released) "Drinking Songs For Lovers." One does detect a certain thrust, and Jack seems to be a very personable sort of fellow, thankfully less drunk than his set list would lead you to believe.
Problem is, long ago, I promised Jack I would never listen to his music, if he would reciprocate and never read my column. And I believe he's kept up his end of the deal (I mean, say what you will about Le Codder, it's nothing if not avoidable), but I find myself curious about the music. I mean, there's some great titles on here: "If You're Gonna Raise A Drunk", "When The Morning Margaritas Hit You Right" " (which has a great line about "waking up at the crack of ice"), and my favorite, "The Worst Truck Driver In The World"... the guy can definitely write a lyric.
Hell with it, he sent me the damn thing, I'm going to listen to it.
NO! That's just the devil talkin'! YES! YES! I'm a listenin'! I'm a' listenin'!!
This starts out kind of in Johnny Cash territory... lots of cool songs about drinking, and you know? I haven't been drinking enough lately anyway, I believe I'll take the hint, try to get in the spirit of things...
Sure enough- this sounds better! Banjo on track five, and it's not really bothering me... yup, the booze is working. Just heard "I Drank Too Much Again", and then "Drinking & Gambling", wait, this isn't killing me... more booze... it's FINE! I don't know what I was being so uptight about!
Then you get "The Worst Truck Driver", which is definitely my fave; and "Ugly" is interesting, and "It Was a Really Bad Year"... it's almost like salsha! damn, this is OK. Yeeaaahhhhhh! Capitol O-k, phew i'm getting slakkurrd. This a really good ban...
Another thing I like about Jack is, he's got another band that does all bastardized country versions of (whooooooaaaaa) Van Halen songs called (mmmmmm...) Van Hayride. Now, lots of people might get a idea like that, but Jack actually did it. It's like wearing a cowboy hat on earth!
The Jack Grace Band appears at Joe's Bar and Grill on Main St. in Orleans this Friday, April 10th, and at the Squealing Pig in Provincetown thish Shaturday, Apl 11nch.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)