[excerpted from original kolumn - date approximate]
Alright, this won’t take long.
It’s four in the morning, which is my usual time for creating these little masterpieces/grinding out my idiot column; unfortunately for all of us, I mistakenly got up before noon (i.e. in the actual morning itself) today, which of course has made me Quite Grumpy. I long ago determined that I am simply not the kind of guy that needs to be conscious a moment earlier than necessary : I believe that it is to everyone’s advantage to make sure that the world is well broken in by far more competent and perky early morning types than I prior to my arrival and subsequent hasty departure.
People rarely take issue with this approach; the ones who do are primarily those who have never beheld my foggy glare on those rare occasions when I prepare to “greet the day“ in the A.M.. My wife, the infuriatingly appealing Mrs. Kelp, has often suggested that I “get the hell back to bed“ because I’m “scaring the dogs“ and she’d like to “kill” me.
Clearly, having me awake in the morning is a bad thing all around.
I might also add that it is my opinion that there is no point in anyone being awake in the month of January, which is a horrible month which should be shot. The only people who could possibly like January are skiers and other winter sports enthusiasts, who are clearly too stupid to live. I’m only going to say this once : freezing snow and ice are God’s way of telling us to give up and stay the hell indoors until it’s safe out again, sometime in April; that’s why, in His compassion, He gave us cable.
And about this whole Nancy Kerrigan thing - people who think skating is a ton of fun should have their legs broken : the folks who are bugged with Tanya are the same bunch of whiners who failed to back running star/innovator Rosie Ruiz in her hour of need some years ago - they’re just jealous ‘cause they didn’t have the idea first.
